the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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