What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
