It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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