never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
