Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
