Jerry, you need to find god
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
