Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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