It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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