Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize