After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We need a shit load of segways right now
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My bed smells like the plague
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
