I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
