If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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