Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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