Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
