remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize