he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
