Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
