Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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