WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize