I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
