Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
