you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize