so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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