God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
