I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
