What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
