All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Two words: nipple clamps
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