VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
