Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
