dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
