Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
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well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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