Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
