My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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