He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
