have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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