Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
