Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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