It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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