taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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