Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
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He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
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the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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