happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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