Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
