Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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