I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
