Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
