WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
