Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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