Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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