her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
