A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
