Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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