just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
