Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
