if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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