YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
