When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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